But I have something that needs to see the light of day, at least for a limited audience.
I may have made a couple of successful moves in my life so far and some meaningful strides so far as far as recent depression is concerned... but there are times when the questions come back, the doubt spreads, the insignificance expands and we're right back at square one, on the verge of tears right before being presented in public.
You know, I have been able to keep my head up in public a lot and retain at least a little sense of being human and social. It hasn't been a flawless act – there are a couple people that see through my facade and ask meaningful questions. Unfortunately for me I brush that stuff off far too often, especially when there's a job to be done. But when the lights are off and the spirit and body are both alone... that's the time of night when I ask myself if I'm a success or failure. About a year or so ago I hammered out a huge manifesto detailing all the ways I think I've failed people. A lot of those things are still going on. The list is shrinking but there are still lots of lingering issues. I concentrate on those and still think I'm just way behind the curve on everything.
Those thoughts snowball. They minimize the greatness of little things that go well for me. They seep into decision making – what if this really meaningful thing doesn't work out like this other thing didn't, this other thing didn't and this other thing didn't?
Ever since the concussion I have been going through this. My head still isn't straightened out – I started a regiment of anti depressants and anti-anxietals I am not ready to stop taking. I took them one recent night and told myself while taking them, “If I don't take these tomorrow's gonna be a bad day.” Uhm, today was pretty uneven emotionally. How bad could it have been without the pills? Actually, don't answer that. I don't have to – I took my stuff. Took my stuff tonight too. At least I can take care of that.
I had a moment that reminded me a lot of what I still lack. This moment was brought to you by imperfect planning. I had a job to work at and failed to give or get any information about how to get home, something I need to organize because I still have no ride. (Hopefully this is remedied by the end of December) So... my only feasible option to get home was to catch a bus part way there and walk the rest of the way in stunning darkness. That walk took about an hour, at which time I thought about a lot of things. Many of them sad and disappointing. Add in the fact I was dodging puddles and oncoming traffic and it was a shockingly humbling situation to find myself in. Yes... there has been positive change. But a lot is still not right.
My thinking defaults to “Oh, still failing” instead of “Long way to go.” I know both are partially true statements. I just don't know how true one is against another.
I wish I hadn't tried to harden my feelings for so long and hide behind vices when times initially got tough because then I would recognize how to best deal with this rush of emotions that have made themselves very visible. I've been given advice to think thoughts out to the end of the scenario but that is kind of sucky sometimes and a lot of the times that I do something like that... it does not end well. I have thought about some really, really bad things. I just don't know how to come out and find a way to deal with these really shitty thoughts or plan out end games to really hard scenarios.
And then I think about one of those really, really bad things: Despite the pain I go through almost daily, what would happen if I were to decide to do something drastic? (Yeah I'm trying to not use the “S” word. Don't want any filters to catch me) I keep thinking during dark moments that the world is ready to move on from me and move towards the next thing. I take myself at what I really am – just one speck of life in a world full of over six billion of them. Everything I've read about how small I am hits me from any angle. I'm just a dude living on a friend's couch. That's about it.
And then I try to make myself think about my contributions to this ball of wax we call Earth. I've done a lot of great things for people. I've made a difference, at least on the surface. I've made people get emotional for the right reasons. Those great things and creations would all of a sudden come to an end. Well, they wouldn't come to an end... someone else could do them. And then I think about the people who I have touched... what would happen to them? That's the great unknown there. What about all the things I do? Again, a great unknown. People have a tendency to dwell on those we've lost. (As much or more than I do, amazingly) I just don't know if I can my soul could be put at ease for negatively affecting people and making them pick up the pieces.
So I press on. It's hard sometimes. There's major decisions that have yet to be made and I have to make them. There's a lot to be done... It will just take a lot of time.
Hopefully my level of patience in rebuilding myself is at saintly levels because there's a lot to be done. Yeah, I am a deeply flawed human. When I have a job to do, though, I'll do it to the best of my ability because I am there for a reason.
I think that's what I have to remember, I am here for a reason.