Momentum. It's either a concept that people don't believe in or a concept that people have religious experiences over with things go well... and fucking crushes those same people when things do not.
A couple of days of anxiety riddled messages and e-mails have just made my momentum go to shit and so we arrive here, at a place I twitch nervously at, stuck in a moment I can't get out of (apologies to U2). I'm trying super hard to make progress but to get a reminder of my biggest flaws and biggest shame... that is tough. Legitimately wrecking.
It's tough for me to get reminders that, ultimately, I'm not in control of much as far as my life is concerned. Especially not the debt situation. Some fucker called me up and explained that I was taking too long for his liking to return his call so he left a mean spirited message. Douche. Ass. I'll call him back and be cordial but he can't read this so cordiality goes out the window.
I've been told that to get better I've got to take my time. There's a ton of people who are behind me but none of them are the people hounding me for money. I've been taken for a fucking ride and... I just want these people to back the fuck off as I attempt to get to all of them. It's going to take time... but they want it done on their schedule, not mine. A couple months ago this seemed like an impossibility.
UPDATE: At one point I was having my wages garnished over a hospital bill. The vast majority of that bill was said to have been excused, with the other part going back to the hospital for reconsideration. Those fucks at the collection agency reopened the garnishment. That hit me like a ton of bricks, one by one. I am going to have to call them and get answers. Not non-concrete theories... Full fucking answers. (Update two: If the hospital decides to accept the charity care then all the money that was garnished from my account is released to me. If not, they get it. Pray I did enough to get it forgiven.)
It's time to fight because it's not enough to just let people know you're going to pay them back, apparently. You have to operate on their terms, with their clocks and their space in their life while you make your money at your shitty job.
Come on, that isn't realistic. But it's what it seems the douchebags are doing -- working together to ruin me.
Fuck 'em. --Keith