Keith Chambers (salivar) wrote,
Keith Chambers

Once invincible, now invisible

I remember when I didn't really know the difference between the words "invincible" and "invisible". They sounded the same to me. I just chose one when I had the chance to say one and hoped it was correct. (It usually wasn't.)

Once I foolishly thought I was invincible. Totally unstoppable. That didn't end so well. In fact some of that is what makes me feel super shitty today.

Recently I've been trying to adjust to the medication set forth to me by my medical squad. Over the past few years my shroud in invincibility has totally deteriorated. I've become super humble, almost to the point of being able to be pushed over in an argument with a feather's contact. I used to be able to back up my viewpoints, now (in most cases) I meekly agree with somebody just so I can avoid controversy. (Also so I don't have to listen to them anymore, natch) I mean, people hve noticed me being more depressed. I usually have written it off as "Oh, nothing's wrong" or "Just having a bad day."

Then I put my "manifesto" online back in January and opened up to everyone. I sought counseling for my depression. I told people that I wasn't feeling good. I think that shattered the invincibility thing for good. Killed it, buried it, that was it. I broke down a couple times in therapy. I was gauged for something called "suicidality". I did open up and asked a few hard questions under the guidance of my therapist. I cried a lot. I bargained with myself constantly. I got through Mid-May. I called 911. Round one happened. A lot of people told me that I was worth something. Like, a lot. I had big mood swings. I had moments of greatness followed by moments of sorrow. I started crying every day. I had a big moment of greatness followed by a huge moment of sorrow. Round 2 in the hospital happened. That was a pretty bad experience, I have to say. I learned a lot, though.

I've been trying to live right for a while now. By live right, I mean live better, because I'm far from living good, and miles from living right. There's going to be a ton of changes that are still to be made. A couple things have changed for me... I take far more medication than I once did, I take far longer to get up than what I once did, I sometimes do not want to eat. That's a strange one but a true one.

Those medications... I have to tell you over and over again that they are not magic potions or pills. You cannot rely on them alone to get you through depression. I know they can help but you really have to want to get better to actually make progress. Those pills will get you down sometimes, too. I have said this to my therapist before -- the term "Pill Zombie" has come up a couple times in our conversations. I know emotions are supposed to be private, however... the past couple weeks there's a great chance I have woken up with tears in my eyes every day and a good chance I have gone to sleep crying as well. I'm pretty sure this emotional release, while sometimes good, is a byproduct of the pills going a bit h.a.m. on my brain.

Today. Took pills. Waited for them to work. Did a couple funny things online. Showered. Cleaned up. Went to catch a bus. Felt... crappy. Like, there was this dull headache that felt embedded in my brain. It really shook me up. It made me feel pretty bad. Mind you, this happened with me simply going to a bank to put some cash in it. I felt like there was nothing behind my smile, no soul embodying this kind of clean collection of skin and bones. All I could think about was returning home. That's it! Granted I did go and get some groceries (but that was tough to do as well... I didn't feel a sense of direction or objective. Still got stuff) and when it came time for innocent small talk... I couldn't find anything funny with my own jokes. Uhm, okay. I felt invisible, like nothing I really did today made any difference. Maybe I'll try and get out later but... pffffft.

That's been more of the feeling of recent days: Am I becoming invisible in an effort to get right? I mean, I am trying my hardest to get out there and make an impact. I'm trying to find out how to do that, now, with trying to be a better man. But sometimes... yeah, I feel like the world keeps on spinning and I'm not spinning with it.

It's a different and scary sensation. Let's hope I catch up soon.

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You once wrote about finding beauty in something every day. Do you feel good when you find it? If so, is it the beauty of what you've found that makes you feel good, or is it achievement of your goal that makes you feel good? If it's goal achievement, you can use that to your advantage by setting realistic, frequent goals. Perhaps an example would be "made tzatziki sauce and used it on a cucumber pita sandwich for maximum deliciousness."

A frequent theme I see in your writing is that you're making an effort to become a better person. This is indicated in phrases like "get out there and make an impact." Do you know why this is important to you? Do you have specific ideas of what it means to "be a better man," of what you must achieve before you can consider yourself better?

Answering the second question first...

In becoming a better man, it really is a personal quest for me to do things that I don't look back on and say "I should have done something different" or to do things that I don't feel shameful about later. I feel that I've really relied on short term crutches to get me through some shit and that didn't really work out so I am trying to change things around for the better, long term, by doing things and acting differently in the long term. It's just a matter of "Am I still happy I did that?:

First question second: I feel good when I find something beautiful or nice because I can look at that one detail from an otherwise tough day and say "Well, at least you found/saw/noticed that thing before it all went to shit on you." It's my safety mechanism because I never really know when I'm going to feel all bent out of shape.
I feel like we've dealt with/are dealing with a lot of the same issues.

To this day, I'll occasionally be reminded of something stupid I've done in the past and it'll make me shake my head around and exclaim "fuuuuuuuuck" or something of the sort. Thankfully, It doesn't manifest itself so dramatically when I'm not alone. However, I've been moderately successful at accepting those things from my past that I now see as "wrong" decisions by telling myself "at the time, it seemed like the right decision." or "there were no significant consequences," depending on what exactly happened. For me, one of these statements are true in almost all cases, and they are usually enough to allow me to move on beyond those harmful thoughts.

We are constantly changing - what you see as a correct decision now might make you go "ugh I was so young and so wrong" five years from now. I bet if I end up broke or in a shitty job I'll think to myself "I should have stayed at Real." I know I thought that when I had to work for Curran in 2009.